There is no ‘right’ way to live with cancer. It would be so much easier if doctors could not only prescribe treatments and drugs, but also ways to manage best and to cope with each new situation. Unfortunately, life is rarely that clear-cut and living with cancer certainly isn’t! You will need time to adjust but with some willpower and determination and the help of your family and friends, ‘normal’ life need not come to a standstill.
There are many factors which will affect how you manage from day to day, and no two men will feel exactly the same even in very similar circumstances. Your symptoms and the effects of your treatment may not interfere too much with your daily life if your cancer was detected early. If it was more advanced and had already taken some toll on your body before treatment, convalescence could take longer and the impact on your daily life will be greater. Similarly, the physical effects of your cancer and treatment may hit you less hard if you are basically a strong and fit person than someone in less good general health. What is important is to take notice of what your body is telling you and not to fight it.
The day of my first consultation with an oncologist will be remembered as the Day of the Corridors! We had arrived at the general hospital and their once-weekly cancer clinic, and I was feeling weak and terrible. I am convinced that all hospitals have a cunning plan which ensures that all patients and their carers should walk all possible corridors before they arrive at their chosen destination. In a large, sprawling hospital such a trek really can feel like a marathon. The best way to counter this -which did not occur to us until we staggered out post-consultation and after another trek to the X-ray department, of course – is either to hijack the first spare wheelchair you come across (look in the lobbies around the entrance to any hospital or ask at reception), or if this is impractical insist on the help of a porter to help you navigate those long corridors. Do remember that you might have only a limited amount of energy and using it up in non-productive ways is not a constructive use of a scarce resource!
If you are the sort of person who would rather crawl into work with a burning temperature and a raging headache rather than admit that the ‘flu has got the better of you, then listening to your body and acting on it may take some effort. You might be tempted to understate your symptoms or side-effects, both to others in an attempt to prevent people treating you purely as a ‘cancer patient’ and to yourself so that you feel able to continue with your ‘normal’ life. A balancing act is needed here – of course it is helpful to lead as normal a life as possible rather than withdrawing completely and immersing yourself in your cancer. On the other hand, you need to be aware of your limitations and to modify your daily routines accordingly. This will require a good deal of trial and error, and you will misjudge your physical strength at times.
It will help too if you don’t test your body by pushing it to its physical limits. Especially coming home after a stay in hospital, it is easy to overstretch yourself even if you have been told to ‘take it easy’. Simple tasks around the house might take more energy and conscious effort than usual – you wouldn’t usually think twice about making a cup of tea, but this may leave you needing a rest afterwards. On some days you will feel stronger than others, and can take pleasure in tasks or hobbies which are too much for you on other days. The days when you have no energy can be intensely frustrating, but you won’t gain anything if you fight it! This does not mean you should never try to be active and just sit in a chair or retire to bed and do nothing. Don’t give up, but try to accept that for a while at least, you need to conserve your energy and use it carefully. Only you can judge your limits, and you mustn’t be too proud to impose them on yourself and others. It is crazy knowingly to exhaust yourself just to prove a point, for example, preparing your own lunch when someone has offered to do it for you. What exactly do you succeed in proving? And to whom?
If you have always worked and led an active life, it can be tough to accept that now there are times when you haven’t the physical strength to do so. Whatever the pace of your life up to now, be it frenetic and dictated by heavy pressures of work and family or more gentle, you will have to slow down. Admitting this is often the most difficult step to take, as if there is some shame associated with a loss of physical strength. Nobody will think any worse of you if you aren’t able to go to work every day, or indeed, if you need to take longer periods of sick leave. No one will laugh at you or condemn you or stop considering you a friend if you can’t play football at weekends or go to the pub or entertain until the small hours.
It is still natural to want to preserve as much normality as possible in your life. After the shock of a cancer diagnosis, you can gain reassurance from familiar routines, and they can provide some stability in a period of shock and stress. The people around you can probably make the greatest difference to how you feel, but you will need to feel that you are not entirely dependent on them and can also help yourself. Being assigned the status of a ‘patient’ can knock your self-confidence and it is important to feel that you can preserve some independence and the sense of self which you achieve from structuring your own life and deciding for yourself what you do and when.
Again, there will be times when you are treading a fine line. On some days you may be able to go to work or visit a friend or be active at home. There will be other times when it is a struggle to drag yourself out of bed and you feel exhausted after brushing your teeth in the morning. On your ‘tired’ days, you may want to do nothing but rest – even conversation may be too much. Accept this, even if you do feel wretched that you are so powerless. Use your ‘good’ days to best advantage, so that you can regain some sense of control in your life. For example, decide on something you would like to achieve that day. It doesn’t matter how small it is – writing a letter, making a phone call, walking down the garden – or if you are feeling good, going out for a short walk, visiting a friend or asking someone to drive you to a favourite place. Don’t set yourself tasks which you know you are unlikely to manage – there is no point in setting yourself up for a sense of failure. It is surprising how a small achievement can contribute to a more positive frame of mind. Don’t expect too much from yourself – treat yourself gently.
There will be times when practical help is very welcome. It may be hard to admit that you cannot be completely independent, but it is foolish to refuse help purely on the grounds of bloody-mindedness! If you are recovering from surgery, or feeling tired as a result of radiotherapy or at a low point in your chemotherapy cycle, you can feel physically very drained and weak. It makes sense to conserve your energy for yourself, and take up people’s offers to cook you a meal, drive you to the hospital, walk the dog, do some shopping, cut the grass – the list goes on. Help from family or friends with seemingly small tasks can make a big difference to the quality of your life, allowing you to use your energy to take pleasure in the company of friends or to carry out the tasks you want, rather than need, to.
When people ask, ‘Is there anything I can do?’, they mean their offer to be taken seriously. Even if you do not need help at that time, you can still say ‘I’m fine at the moment, but maybe I could ask you later when I’m not feeling so good.’ You could also check whether they would be prepared to help with specific tasks – ‘Would you mind driving me to the bank/supermarket/post office when you next go to town?’; or asking if they would be happy just to spend some time with you: ‘I know you’re busy now, but perhaps at the weekend you could come and visit for an hour?’ It is sometimes easier for everyone if some basic ‘guidelines’ for visitors are worked out and if your family and friends have some idea of the type of help you would welcome and what you would prefer to deal with yourself. This will also help you in maintaining a sense of control over your daily life, rather than allowing others to decide what is ‘best’ for you.
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